Keep your hands to your Self.

so i had met this guy about 5 months ago or whatever he was real cool. and jus recently we started hangin out and it was cool at first. but he seemed fake and unreal or maybe it was jus tht i felt rusheddddd! he wanted to be ina relationship and i did agreed. but what caught me offguard was that he had never dated a black female before. even though hes black thats jus california guys -__- ! so i guess his previous females did what he said when he said it and if any smart BLACK female knew better they wasnt on that! so he didnt really like it. because i was on a level as ur a grown ass man ima grown ass woman so we gonna do us and respect each other, i dont need yu looking in my phone, i dont need you to be tellin me where to go and asking me who im with ! im not about to give you the chance to even head down that road. so he wasnt happy about that and he decided to smash my phone against the wall. it cracked into pieces and got scraped up but i mean shit happens i guess so when he started to hit me thats when i started to fight back. because my dad use to abuse me as a child so im not about to let no random ass square ass CALI nigga hit up on me u feel!? so i get down with him and his peoples walk out and he tellin his Auntie to try to whoop my ass. ! so she lookin at him like hes crazy ! so i called the police filed a police report. My phone is ok it still works :) but we are definitely going to court ! But once again 'The Diary Of a Struggling Black Girl'

Forfeit

how can yu be happy when your not in a happy enviroment, or ur not making progress in life. And you just sit and watch your life pass you by, literally though. You have no motive or no motivation from anyone to do whats right. Im tired, not sleepy is this my hole that im not gonna be able to dig out of. If so i forfeit... ill live in this hole if it means i dont have to face reality ! And im tired of crying, so id rather take it for what it is and except this is how its gonna be until a miracle happens or i die. And amazingly dying sounds better! Tired of seeing my people strugglin im mean generation after generation it never fails. i wish i was that little girl that was naive and not knowin what was going on. and evry present she got she would be sooo excited about it wether it was a blanket to a pack of lip gloss lol ! But now the world is weighin on my back and again. I WANT OUT ! i want out. ! i want out ! i want ouuuuuuut!?

Daydreaming Vs. Reality

She daydreams that she will be a Victoria Secret Model, a actress, a rapper, and a singer. Daydreams that she will have a condo with wood floors 3 rooms and a roomate that's her bestfriend. She'll drive a H2o Hummer and a drop top Bmw, and recently she just got a bentley with red lights flashin on the top sides of the car. She's single because she aint got time for the drama, but she def has a select few she messes with but does not fuck. But wait she meets a guy who treats her jus like she treats him. He loves her and she has no doubt in her mind that he's the one. But no matter how good he treats her she doesn't wanna be tied down, married. The thought of marriage makes her feel stuck in a box that you can't get out of. But they love each either. She daydreams about going to the U.K and speaking fluent french to her fans. She daydreams she has a jet that takes her back and forth to her hometowns and her shows. Daydreaming about giving her family money and letting them be straight and healthy left unpoor. She daydreams of having a baby girl with her dreamguy. Taking care of her eventually moving to a bigger condo with 4 bedrooms without her roomate that's her bestfriend. But her friend comes over and throw bbqs with her and have movie nights. Then a year later she's pregnant again with a babyboy 6months. Finally deciding to get married to her dreamguy because she knows for certain that there's nothing and no one else for her but him. So she sits there with her babygirl SahZuri LaiLea and her soon to come son Jaydence Narell and everything is candy kisses and cotton candy. She snaps outta this daydream and comes to reality.

Reality Vs. Daydreaming this is why some people go crazy because they get so wrapped up into it and when it doesn't happen reality hits them and they look around lk damn im 30 40 yrs old or I've done all this time daydreaming and its gotten me nowhere and u kinda lose urself. No im not sayin daydreaming is bad but make sure Reality & Daydreaming balances itself out you can have a little bit of both yes BUT its all about balance.

PEACE, LOVE, GUIDANCE

Alovesubliminal !

Emotionally Unstable

"i mean like we all arent EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!"

What Happens in Vegas Doesnt ALWAYS Stay in Vegas !

Ok so i went to Vegas SIN CITY!, about 2 months ago. And this is how it alllllll happened.

My mother was out of town so i was havin kickback after kickback at my house. And we decided to go to Hollywood blvd all me and my girls, super drunk laughin and kidding around. Its this married couple that we caught eyes and this woman walks up to me and 1 of my homegirls like "are you guys interested in going to Vegas?" so me im like "YEAAAA LETS GO!" jumpin out of my seat. So she goes "No (laughing) not right now!" so im like "Put my number in your phone & well go." So the next day comes by the woman texts me like whats up with all of us going to Vegas and im like who the fuck is this you feel me cause i was drunk on the train and dont really recall me givin her my number ;) so i start remebering and she procedes to ask me am i gay or bi and im like nooo im strickly dickly straight as chinese hair type shit. And shes disappointed and wants to know is my friend into it. I go yea shes a lesbian bi whatever so i give her ma homegurls number. Days go by and my homegurl calls me like "Hey lets hang out with 'The Married Couple' and see how they are before we go off to Vegas with them!" So im like "LETS GO!" They pick me up we go out i get sloppy drunk this time and they took care of me and turned out to be really cool people.


THE DAY OF VEGAS:

So im packed for vegas. And f.y.i this married couple is into open relationships so the wife was ma homegurls date to Vegas and her Husband had a date already in the car. Now mind you none of us knew what this girl looked like until the day we were going to Vegas because the husband meet her off a 1800 lick my dick type of chatline ! So this bitch is just hideous fucked up ass weave, had more gums then teeth, fat, she looked like she was at least 3, 4months prego. But i digress. We drive 8 hours to Vegas. Get there at about 12 at night. Check into the hotel rooms cause the couple had got 2 hotel rooms. So we get ready and we go toooooo THE STRIPPPP !!!!! So its like 2am and its crackin on the strip bitches evrywhere, people handing out nude cards just crowded. So my plan was to grab a dude fine as fuck and bring em bck to the hotel room and have a 1 night stand. But thiers nuthin but bitchessssss! And dirty ass niggas. Im jus not feeling it after awhile. So we go back to the hotel room at like 5am and start drinking again smokin weed. So the wife is like i bought u guys lingerie and the husbands like yea. Telling my homegurl and the husband date that they bought them lingerie. So they come out in the lingerie now mind you both of these hoes is fat ma homegurl and the husbands date ! FAT! Now here is where its gets really GOOD ! So im drunk and high a.f and they proceed to have a 3some, but aint this some shit how they leave the husbands date out because shes really ugly and she looked prego so they didnt wanna risk this bitch sayiin ol dude was tha daddy ! ;) But i sit there and watch my homegurl and the married couple fuck on my homegurl. Drunk off my ass high as shit. You would think this shit would get me horny BUT imagine a whole bunch of fat greasy ass mothafuckas fuckin and suckin on each other and your drunk it just starts gettin overly gross and started to make me feel sick so i go in my hotel room and crash out tooo sleep. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! i get up open my door its ma homegurl knockin on my door, so im like wussup how was it shes not given me noooo type of eye contact. So i sit next to her like "Bitch wussup wat happen how was it!" So she looks at me in confidence and says "Girlllllll he ate my pussy soooo goood both of em put it on me it was sooooo bomb" I smiled and continued to watch t.v.



AS THE TRIP GOES ON:

We went swimming and people are still treatin the husband date like shit. So im sitting in the jacuzzi with her and im like "Are you ok" and she goes "yea" :(. So i go "I think its kinda fucked up they bring you all the way out here and treat you like shit" lol now mind you i aint got no dick im bored i aint got shit to do so i start strirrin up a pot full of bullshit. And she says " I know im the type of bitch to set people up, and put people on fire, and cut niggas and shit" so im like "yea girl i feel you." So we all head upstairs and me and the wife and my homegurl was in the bathroom and im telling them evrything she was sayin to me in the jacuzzi. So the wife goes off on her and start making her cry. Ahaha. And then i was like "And Chris(the husband) said yo teeth is fucked up and you look pregnant & Jordyn was talking shit too" So evrybody lookin at me like wtfuck! So the husband was like "HollyJay tell her what you said" and im like "BITCH I SAID YOU WAS UGLY AHAHAHAHHAHHA" So this girl is sittin here bawling crying. Saying "im sorry" sayin she didnt say it. So im like "bitch you lying you did say why would i make up sum shit you said nigga" This dispute made them ease up on the girl but still worship the ground i walk on. These people looked at me like a Goddess like i cant believe shes here with us looking like she does. (cocky moment). But seriously out of the whole trip people kept asking me "Are you with them?" and id be like "yea" and theyd be like "why" like its a free trip dammit lmao!



LAST NIGHT IN VEGAS:

ok, so im lowkey beefing with evrybody in the hotel cause i can only be around sumone for so long! So my homegurl comes to comfort me outside of the hotel. So it was a two white gurl (friends) were fightin each other outside the hotel cause she had hit her man. It was jus DRAMA but i digress ! I was telling my homegurl about 'The Married Couple' because they started to become very Ratchet acting thinking sumone stole thier EBT AkA LINK card and lowkey tried to blame it on me but aint point the finger so im telling ma homegurl like "bitch aint nobody worried about yo fuckin EBT card cause 1st & foremost my family never had to use foodstamps nuns of that shit to get by shit" and my homegurls laughin like "oh she found it now and she wants to know if your mad at her" so im like "i aint worried about that bitch!" So like an hour later my homegurls was crying feeling guilty about evrything that happened in Vegas. "I feel like i just fucked all of South Central, i jus feel soooo dirty HollyJay ughh" says my homegurl. So im comforting her. Letting her know im here for her. And that its gonna be okk. Shit was i DUMB !


BACK IN HOLLYWOOD, CA:

My homegurl started acting really weird with me. Like not tryna hang out with me and being sneaky, about what, i didnt know at the time. Come to find out what happens in Vegas doesnt always stay in Vegas. Jordyn is now involved in a 3some relationship with a married couple who has 7 kids. She has this lady name tatted on her arm. And is going through some hygiene problems lets just put it that way. AHAHA BE CAREFUL IN VEGAS GUYS!

PEACE, LOVE, GUIDANCE.

ALOVESUBLIME !

He Isnt Who you Thought He Was.

Brace yourselves people I actually have to tell a Story about this guy lol :)
Day 1: Met him with a friend he gave me his number everything was cool,
Day2: We kicked it on a late night tip it was cool i was feeling him more then i thought i wouldnt lol. He lowkey made me feel like i was the only one, but i knew it wasnt like that jus for the fact of what kind of lifestyle he lived and what he did. Much older guy which made him underestimate me. But it was all good and life, we went to a hotel room. It caught me off super guard when he told his friends "YEA YOU KNOW WHERE IMA BE!" like how would they so your use to takin girls to hotels? Anywho we went out to universal hotel and talked about one another and got to know each other. So from there i thought this was gonna be a long TERM thing wether he was fucking with other females or not. Around the 3rd time i was with him i made up my mind i was gonna ride for him. Fuck His Money, Fuck What he Got i wanted his trust i wanted his l.o.v.e this not meaning sex. About 2weeks ago maybe we spent the night together and we got down or whatever like we had been doing, but i did do things different. and now sitting here 1 week and a half later. no calls,no text, NOTHING!? And im not the kind of woman where i like to be treated like shit like thee 11th man theory ! There can be 10 men and 1 woman in one room, all 10 men can tell her how beautiful she is, and compliment her and tell her all these nice things. Then the 11th man walks in look at her and kinda look at her in discuss & keeps it pushin then the woman wants that MAN! But me if a man is giving me compliments and showing he cares about me i want that i can give a fuck about a man who doesnt give 2 fucks about me! And i say this theory to say i wish he was that 11th man so i wouldnt have to feel how i feel right now. we wouldnt even would have went through this had he showed his true colors. Ladiesss, HE ISNT WHO YOU THOUGHT HE WAS!

PEACE, LOVE, GUIDANCE
ALOVESUBLIME.

Lakers Vs. Celtics !

Im actually sad the Celtics lost mann ! But after all im in Los Angeles and im Happy now took me awhile but im Happy I love to see people happy ! So Congrats Lakers ! And Celtics Better Luck next time baby ! hehehe LAKER PARADE MONDAY IM THERE !!!!

Knocked Down,

Today is like any other day, stressed out and wondering when things are gonna move along for me?! In need of a job, I couldnt even tell you how many jobs ive applied for if my life depended on it. My next move will most likely be becoming a stripper. Seems like the odds of a 18 year old woman of becoming a stripper is greater then getting a legit job. And with having a BLACK president and being BLACK you would think that us young women, even older women wouldnt have to deal with things like this but wether u know it or not BLACK PRESIDENT OR NOT, its still going to be hard. But thats another day & another subject. Gotta do what you have to do. ;)